My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
