why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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