Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
