Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Randomize
