Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
