Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
