I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
