i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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