Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
