Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Randomize
