Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
