You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
