It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
