K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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