I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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