i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
