Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
