My brain says no but my pants say off.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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