Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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