if you like me you must not know who I am
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
