I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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