remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
