I looked at my own cervix.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
