dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
