1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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