Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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