when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
