for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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