Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
