I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
