so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
