I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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