There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
