remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
