her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
They took my balls.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
