I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
