I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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