I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
