i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
