I faked an abortion last night.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
