when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
