Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
