I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
