Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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