Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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