I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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