Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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