Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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