he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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