Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
