oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
