I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
